Relationships

There's a saying that says "Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have."

So what's going on with your self? What happens to you in relationships? Are you your best, most highly-evolved, loving self? Or, do other things come up that lead to stress, or self-doubt, or being completely distracted from who you are and what you want your life to be about?

In Relationship-Confidence Coaching we work on improving communication within all the relationships in your life. That means understanding emotional triggers so that you can break old patterns and set healthy boundaries. It means having more positive interactions with more people, especially the ones that are most important to you. It means building a toolkit of skills for healthy, positive communication and self-expression.

The aim is to be your authentic self - not some covered-up version of yourself - while interacting with others. All the time. It doesn't matter whether you are presently in a relationship, recently out of a relationship, looking for a new relationship, or operating solo.

Relationship Coaching Goals

Coaching is about identifying goals, and working through any blindspots or limiting perceptions that come up along the way to achieving those goals. Here are some goals that have been successfully achieved by my clients:

  • Improve communication with partner(s)
  • Resolve conflicts and disagreements
  • Reduce tension in the relationship
  • Understand my partner better
  • Stop hurting each other
  • Learn "good" ways to fight
  • Stop our negative patterns
  • Win back my partner's love
  • Love my partner again
  • Improve our sex and intimacy
  • Improve the trust in our relationship
  • Heal from infidelity
  • Share more of my authentic self in relationships
  • Have healthy individuality while still being a couple
  • Decide whether we should separate
  • Prevent separation or divorce
  • Get out of a toxic relationship
  • Deal with being in a relationship with a narcissistic person
  • Get clarity on my own blind-spots
  • Put my feelings into words better
  • Have more confidence when it comes to dating
  • Pick better dating partners
  • Stand up for myself in my relationship(s)
  • Overcome fear of rejection and/or abandonment in relationships
  • Manage a broken heart after a breakup
  • Understand myself better, why I feel the way I do
  • Deal with anxiety that comes from interacting with other people
  • Manage my work relationships in a more empowered way
  • Let go of insecurity and self-doubt
  • Get better at setting boundaries
  • Stop feeling guilty about what I want
  • Explore a new side of myself
  • Understand my own fears that hold me back

Relationships, and Emotional Triggers

Very few of us make it out of childhood unscathed. For most of us, we carry with us old wounds, leftover from our formative years. These wounds, brought on by our life circumstances and relationships with our primary caretakers, affect our self-esteem and self-worth. These emotional wounds operate in the background, like a program on a computer - playing a role in how you feel, how you act, and who you are drawn to in relationships.

It is in our nature as human beings to strive toward healing these wounds, whether we're consciously aware of it or not. We seek resolution; we seek healing; we seek fulfillment and wholeness.

So then... what happens when we end up in relationships where our core wounds are being activated; where our negative emotions are feeling triggered and inflamed? When you're in that scenario, you may ask yourself: What does this mean; why is this happening; and what should I do about it?

That is exactly what our Relationship Coaching is all about. It's about looking through the lens of your relationships to gain insight into your true self - both your strengths, and your limitations. It's about acquiring a sense of personal empowerment. It's about getting on a productive path with essential self-care, and cultivating positive relationships by way of implementing healthy personal boundaries. Designing a life of relationships that heal, not harm. Relationships that support the person you are, the person you are meant to be. Relationships that nourish the very essence of who you are.

We do this by talking on a deep level about what you feel, what you think, and what you want. We gently peel the layers of meaningful truths. We get to the heart of the matter. You show up, you engage, you think and feel and share, you commit, you acknowledge, you accept, you release, and I'm there with you, guiding you along this path. This is the process of coaching; the process of changing. Welcome.

Traits of Successful Relationships

Not all relationships are the same, and yet successful relationships seem to have a few common traits that point to their success. What is relationship success? Basically, it's both partners feeling loved, feeling secure, and feeling happy to be together. In Relationship-Confidence Coaching, we build a communication toolkit that includes these traits:

This is a common trouble-spot in many relationships. For some people, being clear and direct about what they need and want is not something they were raised to do. Speaking up about what you need and want makes some people afraid of being judged, or criticized, or uncomfortable in some way. Or for some, they just don't know what to say or how to say it. Learning how to put needs and wants into words takes practice; it's totally do-able.

For the partner on the receiving end of this kind of open, clear communication - it's nice to know that what-you-see-is-what-you-get and that there is no hidden agenda going on with your partner. You can trust what your partner is communicating, which brings a feeling of confidence and ease in the partnership.

Reveal, Not Conceal

We're talking about each person being willing and able to talk openly (and calmly) about the things they need and want, so that the other person doesn't have to work too hard playing guessing games or being a mind-reader.

This is a common trouble-spot in many relationships. For some people, being clear and direct about what they need and want is not something they were raised to do. Speaking up about what you need and want makes some people afraid of being judged, or criticized, or manipulated in some way by the other. Or for some, they just don't know what to say or how to say it. Learning how to put needs and wants into words takes practice, but it's totally do-able.

For the partner on the receiving end of this kind of open, clear communication - it's nice to know that what-you-see-is-what-you-get and that there is no hidden agenda going on with your partner. You can trust what your partner is communicating, which brings a feeling of confidence and ease in the partnership.

Listen. Really Listen.

With this trait, each person is able to show the other that they are really listening to what the partner is saying. This is about paying attention to the other. Genuine listening shows interest and caring. When you are truly interested in understanding your partner better, you naturally tune-in to them when they are expressing something to you.

When your listening skills are good, your partner knows they are being heard by you. They never have to stop and ask, "Did you hear what I said?" or "Are you listening?"

In successful relationships, both partners practice being good listeners, not just one. If you find that your listening skills are not quite up to par, this is a skill that can be improved with practice. But the underlying feelings toward your relationship ought to be examined: Do you have a genuine interest in your partner's thoughts and feelings? Do you have a sense of curiosity about your partner and their life? If you don't, do you want to?

Own Your Stuff

They say that being in a relationship is like holding up a mirror to yourself because your "stuff" is going to get reflected back to you, whether you're aware of it or not. That's the nature of relationships. Which is a good thing because it has the potential to lead to a lot of really good personal growth.

The biggest problem with this mirror-reflection-thing is that it's really easy to start projecting your issues onto your partner. And that leads to blame and criticism. So, this is something that needs to be reeled-in, in order to have a successful relationship.

What's the best way to keep projection at bay? It starts with the way you speak to each other, particularly when you are not in agreement with one another. A key tip is to speak from the "I" point of view (I want, I need, I feel, I think...) and not from the "You" point of view (you always, you never; you're too ____; you're not ____ enough; you're such a ____; you make me mad, you annoy me, you depress me, etc.

Talking from the "I" point of view is about expressing something that is true for you. It means you have to open yourself up and sometimes be a little vulnerable about what you feel or how you see things.

Talking from the "You" point of view is about pointing the finger at someone else and blaming and criticizing them. And them's fightin' words, as the saying goes. To have a successful relationship, practice turning those "You" statements into "I" statements.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
~ Maya Angelou

Healthy Uncoupling

When couples ask...should we stay or should we go?

If you and your partner are experiencing stress in your relationship, you may be thinking a lot about whether or not you even belong together. Perhaps you relate to questions like these:

  • Do you find that you're not communicating well?
  • Are you arguing too much? Getting triggered a lot by one another?
  • Are you not as affectionate as you used to be?
  • Maybe intimacy has taken a back seat to life-stuff, or has gone on permanent hold?
  • Does it feel like there are things that you just can't talk about?
  • Are you worried that maybe you're not on the same page anymore?

As relationship partners, maybe you wonder if you are on the right path together. Perhaps you ponder if this relationship is meant to be. Maybe you ask: Are we learning, growing, and becoming better people by being in this relationship? Are we having fun together? Are we good for one another?

And then there are the questions of: Is it even worth it to work on repairing our relationship? Are we both willing, or is only one of us interested in working on it, while the other partner is disinterested or unwilling? Is one partner leaning in, while the other partner is leaning out - of the relationship?

A lot of times when couples ask these questions to themselves or to one another, the answer can be a resounding, "I don't know!" And that's because it's complicated. There are many moving parts to a relationship, especially a long-term one. There are lots of feelings, both good and bad. There is commitment and loyalty. There can be loss and betrayal. There is the structure of a life together to be honored. There are new desires for growth and happiness that emerge as we go through life.

All these things can create a web of vulnerable emotions. So the process of sorting out what's good for all parties involved is a delicate one that requires patience and a certain tolerance for uncertainty, just for a little while. This can be a confusing time, but by asking the questions and processing the feelings that come up, the clarity will come. It always does. I can help you navigate these choppy waters.

So is this relationship right for you? For both of you? Let's find out. For couples, we'll work as a team to define the issues and clarify the important goals. We'll give each of your positions a voice, so that the thoughts and feelings on both sides are represented. For individuals, we'll do the same thing, only one-on-one without your partner. We'll assess and evaluate, using a pragmatic conversational approach to get to the issues that matter.

From there, we'll arrive at the wisdom and clarity to answer this question: Should we stay or should we go? Are we meant to work through our issues, together? Or, is a healthy uncoupling in our best interest? Either way, our work will aim to bring clear-mindedness and personal empowerment to both partners in the relationship. The right path becomes clear...

Some issues that bring couples to relationship coaching are:

  • Balance (Work/Life/Family)
  • Break-Ups and Separations
  • Changing Negative Habits
  • Communicating Better
  • Confidence and Self-Esteem
  • Conflict Resolution
  • Emotional Triggers
  • Pre-Marital Readiness
  • Rebuilding Love
  • Rebuilding Trust
  • Setting/Respecting Boundaries
  • Sex and Intimacy
  • Understanding Your Partner Better

If any of the above relate to your and your partner in your relationship, contact me today for a free consultation. I would love to speak about how I may be able to help you get back on track with healthy, loving, satisfying interactions with one another.



24881 Alicia Parkway, #E-223
Laguna Hills, , CA 92653

motivexinc@gmail.com
(949) 445-3855

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